5 Rights That New Adults Think They Have On The Job

The Watersaver Faucet Company infamously introduced a rule back in 2014 that forced employees to clock in and out of the shitter, with the expectation that one should never use the can for more than a half hour a week, or six minutes per shift. They even had gift card rewards for employees who could get through the month without using any time.

This basically harkens back to the days of raising your hand at school to ask to pee, and having to rely on the good and arbitrary nature of someone else to allow you to engage in a biological function. This is only slightly less demeaning than that person following you into the bathroom and criticizing your technique.

WaterSaver’s justification was that employees had just been wasting too much damn time in the bathroom farting around like a bunch of dinks instead of getting their work done. And they were completely within their rights to do so. They were providing normal break periods that included unrestricted bathroom access. The monitored access was for outside scheduled break-time pooping, during which the company thought employees were probably all on their phones taking workplace bathroom dick pics.

Federal rules absolutely grant you the right to access bathroom facilities and that’s pretty much as specific as those rules get. From there the entire process is really open to interpretation. If going to the bathroom can be considered a problem to your workflow, employers can limit it at that time and each case, if a complaint arises, is judged case by case. There is no “yes, you can pee” rule on the books.

1Holidays Aren’t A Right

The United States has the distinct honor of being the only country in the developed world that shits on holidays as a rule. Seventy-seven percent of businesses in the U.S. offer employees some kind of vacation time, but only because they want people to actually work for them instead of just being in the building silently plotting a flaming Armageddon. It behooves an employer to give you job perks that are slightly more remarkable than “You get to not be up to your knees in raw sewage every day.” That said, 77 percent means 23 percent of employers head to work at Snake Mountain thinking “Fuck you and your cat, shitheel!” as they watch you work five days a week for eternity with no downtime, cackling from within their fashionable, blue cowls.

If you have a hankering to ever take a vacation, you’re going to want to hash that out before agreeing to any work terms, because if one in four jobs isn’t offering any holiday time, that’s a crap shoot you’re probably going to lose at some point in your employment career.

If you’re not sure how bad it sucks to have no vacation at all on a worldwide scale, you should know Kuwait offers 30 days of paid vacation a year. You can take an entire goddamn month off if you work in Kuwait. Actually, that statement doesn’t do it justice. It’s not “you can,” it’s “you’re legally entitled to and you will.” And that doesn’t include the 13 paid holidays you also get, meaning for 43 days a year in Kuwait, you get paid for staying home and eating fudge. One-thousand-thirty-two hours of fudge. I just got chills.

Nearly 60 countries in the world guarantee employees at least 30 paid days off per year. Now sure, if you stack a lot of working conditions in Syria against working conditions in Idaho, a month off maybe doesn’t sweeten the pot too much, but it’s the principle of the thing. Even among the companies that do offer paid leave, the average amount of time you need to work at a place to get 20 days off a year is 20 years. I checked with Stephen Hawking and 20 years at any job is actually, mathematically, forever.

Ian has yet to be fired from Twitter, but he does take frequent bathroom breaks.

Take your impotent job-related rage out on this weird stress ball, or squeeze lava between your angry fingers, fantasizing about a modern day Pompeii.

For more check out The 5 Most Common Errors of First Time Job Applicants and 4 Valuable Lessons You Only Learn from Having a Crappy Job.

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